Erase/Rewind

Over the past few months I've sat down to write a blog, only to find the topics and feelings I've had were not meant for the internets, and for the journal instead. Though things inevitably get thrown up on Facebook once in a while, so much of our lives doesn't need a digital channel to the rest of the world. That being said...

I've got some time in AZ over the next few weeks. In Absencia, the place has grown on me in a way I never anticipated it to do. I miss the 48th state. It's got my heart, in more ways than one. My family is over there, as are many of my friends. In the next few weeks, though I won't see them all, I'm looking forward to running into many of them. My buddy James is graduating college, and the group of us that lived with him during his time up in Flag will be out there to root him on, not just for his degree, but also Amanda and James' first child. It's a milestone amongst our group of friends. None of us has yet hit that point, and I think we're all thrilled for James' new family. Seeing the guys is always good, hijinks to ensue I'm sure.

I miss my brother so often that i think it will shock me to see him. Andy is the best mirror I have because no one calls me out like he does. It's incredibly frustrating to have someone who can read you so effortlessly, but it's also very comforting. Nothing I do gets by that kid.

There are some people in Flag that I'm just dying to get up there and see; some old friends, and hoping to reconnect with the mountain while I'm up there. The peaks anchor so much of the spirit of Flagstaff. Their ever present watchfulness is sorely missed here at the edge of the Pacific. Whenever I go back home, I find myself looking at the mountain a lot. I'm hoping to do some snowshoeing, and hopefully some running, if my lungs don't fall out all over the place. Christmas is coming, but the best gift I can think of will be some sweet, cold, mountain air. Chances are I'll get that. It's a shame I can't give it though.

The Yankee

Because you told me you looked at this one time, I just wanted to say "Hi." It made my day.

nights as days

I work nights, and I like it. This has been my mantra for some time now. A badge of pride. "I work while you and others sleep." "I give potentially dangerous drugs to your family members while you lay in your beds." stuff like that. I started doing it because I had to. I went to school full time. I needed money, and voilia, nights were available. Plus, it was the only way into the ICU at the time. So I sucked it up, and turned out it was some of the most fun and up there with the best eperiences of my life. I found my passion for the uber-sick, where it still lies today. I also found my true calling in life, cleaning blood of patients. Nothing makes me happier at work than that. Really. Just give me a job cleaning blood and I'll be happy as a clam.

Somewhere in the last few months though, I havent been so happy with nights. I cant stay up all day after working a shift anymore. I find myself up at three in the morning on the internet, doing nothing. I don't leave the house. The actions run in direct contrast my love of the Dawn (the person and the time). I love waking up super early, going for a run, a swim, a bike ride, a surf, or even a paddle. Missing the morning for me is like missing the only part of the day that matters. This plain sucks. I just cant do it. Now when I want to get up early, I find myself sleeping in until noon. this is not lazy when you go to bed at two, it's just the body going "Awww hell no." I've got a feeling that something will have to change soon, or I'll hit a breaking point. I've got to find a balance, maybe some melatonin? Who knows. I've still got some tricks up my sleeve. Nights pay well, and the nursing is fun. But change is a'coming, and I can feel it in these bones o' mine.

Norbit Meet Dave Pluto Nash.

I had a really good day today. I've been doing a little bit of journaling here and there for the last couple of weeks, and no blogging for months, so this is a keep it alive post. All past/prsent tense "errors" and the like un-erronious.
This story starts:
Thursday:

Thought I was going to drown in the Pacific during outrigger practice. Michael was scared. Afterwards, gets drunk with friends....Like turning Manhattans into shots drunk. It ok. He alive.
Friday:

Dawn nursed me back to health over the course of...well, the entire day.
Felt so sick on Friday I told my coaches I wasn't racing outrigger Saturday at Dana. Ate piece and .5 of pizza over 24 hours. And 1/8 of gatorade. Vomited everything else.

Saturday: Felt like $$$. Not going to Dana. Drive to LA instead. Saw My grandfather, the man I have more respect for than anyone in my life. Met the newest Lorentzen, taking some pressure off my brother and I to carry on genes, but still the legacy name (It's a girl). Somewhere along the way up to LA I listened to "stay what you are" for the first time in about 4-5 years and it was so good i nearly cried. Had a great afternoon with family. Drove to visit Andrea and her friends for a drink. The Garmin took me through Crenshaw and 1 hours worth of side streets. I saw a man with no legs on a dolly. I thought of Eddie Murphy. Finally found Andrea's. Had a glass of wine. Drove Back to SD, Parents in Tow. Late dinner with Mom and Dad. Bed alone. Dawn at work. :( Strangely, thought of Eddie Murphy again. got up, wrote this.

Somewhere along the past year, I learned to hate L.A. (Dodgers excluded.). Today, I saw the LA of my childhood, including an unexpected detour through the shit parts. Still, I really do love that town. (Kobe excluded)

Do the Jan Ullrich!

Which basically means lose the gut. Not that I've become a prime candidate for the biggest loser or anything. I still have my dignity where I don't have to go on tv and cry. That being said, I'm very happy about the prospect of losing some "winter weight." Winter weight is a code word for me being a lazy ass in one of the best climates in the world. It's 70 today. I mean christ, I don't have my flagstaff excuses. There isnt 10 feet of cinder out on the roads where I'll get a flat, or the coat of ice under the cinder that makes running a nightmare.

my excuse: I've been dealing with shinsplints for most of the last year, and to use some frank language: I'm fucking tired of it. I miss the bliss of running. It's been two and half months since I've taken a single runners step. I've never gone that long without it, and it's made me realize how much I need it for so many things. I have never felt so unaccomplished as I did the last two months. I find I'm a much more irritable person when I don't have that outlet.

So for today, I went out for my first run in ages. There was the inevitable "holy cats, I am NOT in shape" moment that we all get when we have a break for a bit. Then everything clicked. the stride comes back, the movement settles into a pattern. As a total cracker, I can say the only time I've ever had rhythm was out on a run, but god, it felt good. THe hard part was how much my feet hurt. My old cross country coach would talk some smack on my shoes, and how they are 3 years old. (my "new" pair from Feb are way to heavy (snow runners). New shoes are now the priority. Still. I always have so many perfect moments on a run. This was no different. The difficulty lies ahead. I need to give my lil feets some rest. Taking it slow, going out easy. That part is going to kill me. Losing yourself in a run is what makes it so attractive. Putting limits on that? *melodrama voice* Oh it kills.

Anyway, to give me some motivation, I joined a fat kid weight loss contest at work. winner takes home a fat kid! I just needed some more motivation, and this way, I can get back into drinking war by the gallon again...like alcoholism, it takes daily practice.

In two weeks I'll be heading back to AZ and flag for the first time since I left. I still consider it home, and I really miss how beautiful the whole state is. Plus my Xterra is there, and to be honest, I miss the lil' guy. It will be good to see it, and see everyone who can watch me get drunk off of one beer. I blame the altitude, not my lack of drinking here. Honest!