My focus is all...brokus.

Big moves, big moves. What a difference a few short days makes. When I came back from Haiti, I hadnt been out on the water paddling in weeks. I wasn't really sure if I was going to do it at all this season. I'd been going back and forth on the idea of spending my summer paddling and surfing or taking lots of trips to mtn bike. The bike was winning.

I still hadnt paid my club dues for HanoHano an hour before practice on tuesday, but after a little talk with my friend Jen I decided to go for it and just do it. Well...that was a good choice.

Somehow this week, all of the effort I've been putting into exercise and diet since september finally came to a head, and I've been put on notice that if I put in some solid time paddling this week there might be a spot on the fast boat for me at the first race of the seaon, Crystal Pier.

Wait, what? (a little background.) Our team has a lot of boats. There are six men in a boat. For the races, they try and put the six strongest paddlers in one of the boats, and that's the fast boat. Now I'm nowhwere near one of the best paddlers on my team, not by a long shot. I lack the experience, the refined technique, and most importantly, I haven't paddled at a high level before. However, for some reason they think I may have a shot at a seat in the boat.

As it stands right now, I'm both excited and nervous. Paddling with a fast crew is so much fun, and during practice when your boat blends well, it's a totally different sport, in that it's more fun than it is work. I really worry about my ability to blend with the boat (all about timing and technique). I have one week before crystal pier. I'm going to go out paddling with Coach Chris in a two man boat this week to work on technique, and I['m going to have to do a lot of what I do worst when I get into the zone: focus on being present. I'm so good at tuning out everything when I get into a rythm, but I'm going to have to be all there for this.

So wish me luck this week, and if you can make it down to mission bay next saturday, come cheer on the whole team HanoHano. It's our home race, we put in on, and there are so many hard working paddlers out there who'd love to hear you cheering them on.

walking the walk

Got back from Haiti this week, still processing a lot of what I saw there and how it made me feel about myself and how I live here. I won't say I'm depressed, but I do feel very subdued about what I experienced. It was mentally challenging and emotionally rough. I had some really bright points though. Among these was something very strange, very foreign to me, but I think, through a series of unrelated circumstances that a lot of stuff coalesced around my spiritual life. I'm not going to get into it much, I'm still feeling around in the dark, but I haven't felt this..."whole" in a while. That being said, I'm on a long path here.

I'm very much looking forward to going back to Haiti in October. The need for everything there is so enormous, and the more people on the ground the better. Seriously, go to operation medishare's website and apply.

Besides that, I've been on the bike a little since I got home. I've been in the water a lot, with a few races coming up, I'm pretty pumped about the early paddling season. Can't wait to see how I do. I know it will be fun regardless. Get to see jeff and stephanie Huhn down here! sweet.

done done and done

That's it. I've OFFICIALLY had it with night shifts. I need to get myself on the day/night rotation schedule as soon as possible. Lately I feel terrible just about all the time. That's just no good.

tha rumpshayka.

When I got out of college, I had these dreams and ambitions about using my biology degree for the good of mankind. It's why I studied political science on top of it, to help understand some of the complexities that result in some people having more than others. With A small amount of hindsight, I can see that these naive dreams of an extremely selfish 22 years old were ill conceived. First off, economics decides everything. Second, I'm still largely a selfish bastard, but I've picked up a clue or two since then. My "journey" led me to nursing, where I've since learned a lot about compassion, what actual suffering looks like, and where I've been able to actually help a few people. In doing so, I've found that people always need more. There's always going to be more need for help than help itself. So I'm trying to do my part. I've been a nurse now for almost two years, I'm pretty stable now, so I was just looking for a chance to try and get out there. It turns out that I'm also lazy. I'd been wanting to sign up for the red-cross ever since I got the ink on my neck with the red Swiss cross and circle emblem. I did their intro class, and am hoping to start on some shelter cl assess soon. There's a lot of good that I can do here at home.

However, that's not what I'm excited about. Next week I get to fulfil one of my goals for a while now, and go on a medical mission. This one's going to Haiti. I'm going with a group out of Flagstaff and we'll be boots on the ground for a solid week. I'm pretty excited for it, I think it will be very challenging, and I'm hoping I can do any amount of good for the people down there. Haiti has interested me for a while now, I remember hearing about the place in college a lot during the J.B.Aristdae debacle, their "poorest nation on earth" status, and a lot about voodoo and what have you. The damage to their country seems just...unimaginable to me, and I just hope that for all of the stupid, insignificant things I do in my life, that this one will matter, and hopefully change something that lasts. It's going to be a test for me. Is this what I want to gravitate toward, disaster relief support, helping people at their lowest? Can I do it well? If I do, (and I'm hoping for it) then that huge step on my path will have been finally crossed. If not, at least I can say I took the step. Helping people can be frustrating, exhausting, and disenchanting. That much I know from nursing. But I've also seen the good it does, and I'm hoping that between the projects I'm working on, I'll have a chance to do more of that.

Flag day

Spent a few blissful days in Flag with Tara. Biked, climbed, Snowboarded and did a lot of things that I didn't do enough of while I lived there. Came back home to a lonely apartment, was kind of bummed. Living alone sucks. Luckilly, San Diego has an entirely different set of outdoor activities that keep me going. Did my bay run, but hit a PR on it without really trying today. Maybe I'll just chalk it up to a few days at altitude. Came to work and saw a lot of my friends, and suddenly home feels like home again.

I've got to say, there are some crazy nice people in Flag. Besides Tara, got to see Adam, David, the Will/Tim/Nate/Scott combo, John (happy birthday dude!) and a few others that I randomly ran into. People seem happy here, and most are relatively friendly, but the general vibe is pretty relaxed up on the mountain. I can't wait till my next visit out there...maybe I'll have a new bike by then so everyone will stop giving me crap about my current hooptie. (Don't worry bikey, I still love you, you've taken me this far, I'm not going to scrap you. You'll just get turned into a single speed love machine.)

Addendum: I also had some great meals on my little AZ jaunt. Diablo burger is leaps and bounds better than Rockys...which I hate to admit, but yeah, the elvis buger (w/ bacon, plantains and spicy peanut butter in addition to amazing local burger meat) blew my mind so much I almost scheduled an IR appointment for a coiling. The Tinderbox was also great. Nice to see well presented foodie fodder more often up there.

I should also add that I learned a lot on this trip. I learned a lot more about the sports I'm getting back into, a lot about Tara, and even clued into a lot about how to make sense of the things I've been feeling lately. Not neccessarily epipany grade stuff, but still good insights.

One of the things I've been thinking a lot about lately is the oppurtunity to possibly go to Haitai and do some relief work with some MDs and RNs from FMC. I signed up, got the time off of work, and now am just waiting...and waiting, and waiting for some kind of response. We'll see how this goes, wish me luck...

On Goals Reached.

The past few months have been going really well for me. I can say that right now, in general, I'm much happier than I've been since I moved to San Diego. I've reached all of my goals of being active: I started my second season of paddling, where this yeart I can put more time and energy into it instead of last, which was more like a toe dip in the pool. I've been working out daily for months now, and the results are obvious when I get out and try sports. I can now run 8 miles like it's nothing. I've never had that before! I can't quite speak for high school track, but I can say since I started college I've never been as fit as I am right now.

That's not the best part of it. Reaching your goals is great, but it's better if you can share it with someone. I've got someone else who's also making major changes. My Dad. In the past six months he's lost 60 pounds, and totally turned his health around. Now he's a big guy, and sixy pounds may seem "meh" next to people who lose 100 pounds. But wait till you see him. The guy has muscles, real muscles, where there used to be flab. Never in my life have I seen him look so healthy. He's on a long path though, but he's doing it. He's taken something that we had long given up on him ever doing anything about and completely turned it around. He turns 59 next week, and I don't think there's anything I can get him better than how he feels. Andy and I are hoping that by this fall, he'll have built up his endurance and flexibility enough to go camping and do a series of long hikes like he'd take us on when we were kids. I'm sure he could do it now, but we want it to be fun for him, and not to have it hurt. Really though, I've never been so proud of my Dad. If you run into him, tell him good job. He's kicking ass.

Erase/Rewind

Over the past few months I've sat down to write a blog, only to find the topics and feelings I've had were not meant for the internets, and for the journal instead. Though things inevitably get thrown up on Facebook once in a while, so much of our lives doesn't need a digital channel to the rest of the world. That being said...

I've got some time in AZ over the next few weeks. In Absencia, the place has grown on me in a way I never anticipated it to do. I miss the 48th state. It's got my heart, in more ways than one. My family is over there, as are many of my friends. In the next few weeks, though I won't see them all, I'm looking forward to running into many of them. My buddy James is graduating college, and the group of us that lived with him during his time up in Flag will be out there to root him on, not just for his degree, but also Amanda and James' first child. It's a milestone amongst our group of friends. None of us has yet hit that point, and I think we're all thrilled for James' new family. Seeing the guys is always good, hijinks to ensue I'm sure.

I miss my brother so often that i think it will shock me to see him. Andy is the best mirror I have because no one calls me out like he does. It's incredibly frustrating to have someone who can read you so effortlessly, but it's also very comforting. Nothing I do gets by that kid.

There are some people in Flag that I'm just dying to get up there and see; some old friends, and hoping to reconnect with the mountain while I'm up there. The peaks anchor so much of the spirit of Flagstaff. Their ever present watchfulness is sorely missed here at the edge of the Pacific. Whenever I go back home, I find myself looking at the mountain a lot. I'm hoping to do some snowshoeing, and hopefully some running, if my lungs don't fall out all over the place. Christmas is coming, but the best gift I can think of will be some sweet, cold, mountain air. Chances are I'll get that. It's a shame I can't give it though.

The Yankee

Because you told me you looked at this one time, I just wanted to say "Hi." It made my day.

nights as days

I work nights, and I like it. This has been my mantra for some time now. A badge of pride. "I work while you and others sleep." "I give potentially dangerous drugs to your family members while you lay in your beds." stuff like that. I started doing it because I had to. I went to school full time. I needed money, and voilia, nights were available. Plus, it was the only way into the ICU at the time. So I sucked it up, and turned out it was some of the most fun and up there with the best eperiences of my life. I found my passion for the uber-sick, where it still lies today. I also found my true calling in life, cleaning blood of patients. Nothing makes me happier at work than that. Really. Just give me a job cleaning blood and I'll be happy as a clam.

Somewhere in the last few months though, I havent been so happy with nights. I cant stay up all day after working a shift anymore. I find myself up at three in the morning on the internet, doing nothing. I don't leave the house. The actions run in direct contrast my love of the Dawn (the person and the time). I love waking up super early, going for a run, a swim, a bike ride, a surf, or even a paddle. Missing the morning for me is like missing the only part of the day that matters. This plain sucks. I just cant do it. Now when I want to get up early, I find myself sleeping in until noon. this is not lazy when you go to bed at two, it's just the body going "Awww hell no." I've got a feeling that something will have to change soon, or I'll hit a breaking point. I've got to find a balance, maybe some melatonin? Who knows. I've still got some tricks up my sleeve. Nights pay well, and the nursing is fun. But change is a'coming, and I can feel it in these bones o' mine.

Norbit Meet Dave Pluto Nash.

I had a really good day today. I've been doing a little bit of journaling here and there for the last couple of weeks, and no blogging for months, so this is a keep it alive post. All past/prsent tense "errors" and the like un-erronious.
This story starts:
Thursday:

Thought I was going to drown in the Pacific during outrigger practice. Michael was scared. Afterwards, gets drunk with friends....Like turning Manhattans into shots drunk. It ok. He alive.
Friday:

Dawn nursed me back to health over the course of...well, the entire day.
Felt so sick on Friday I told my coaches I wasn't racing outrigger Saturday at Dana. Ate piece and .5 of pizza over 24 hours. And 1/8 of gatorade. Vomited everything else.

Saturday: Felt like $$$. Not going to Dana. Drive to LA instead. Saw My grandfather, the man I have more respect for than anyone in my life. Met the newest Lorentzen, taking some pressure off my brother and I to carry on genes, but still the legacy name (It's a girl). Somewhere along the way up to LA I listened to "stay what you are" for the first time in about 4-5 years and it was so good i nearly cried. Had a great afternoon with family. Drove to visit Andrea and her friends for a drink. The Garmin took me through Crenshaw and 1 hours worth of side streets. I saw a man with no legs on a dolly. I thought of Eddie Murphy. Finally found Andrea's. Had a glass of wine. Drove Back to SD, Parents in Tow. Late dinner with Mom and Dad. Bed alone. Dawn at work. :( Strangely, thought of Eddie Murphy again. got up, wrote this.

Somewhere along the past year, I learned to hate L.A. (Dodgers excluded.). Today, I saw the LA of my childhood, including an unexpected detour through the shit parts. Still, I really do love that town. (Kobe excluded)

Do the Jan Ullrich!

Which basically means lose the gut. Not that I've become a prime candidate for the biggest loser or anything. I still have my dignity where I don't have to go on tv and cry. That being said, I'm very happy about the prospect of losing some "winter weight." Winter weight is a code word for me being a lazy ass in one of the best climates in the world. It's 70 today. I mean christ, I don't have my flagstaff excuses. There isnt 10 feet of cinder out on the roads where I'll get a flat, or the coat of ice under the cinder that makes running a nightmare.

my excuse: I've been dealing with shinsplints for most of the last year, and to use some frank language: I'm fucking tired of it. I miss the bliss of running. It's been two and half months since I've taken a single runners step. I've never gone that long without it, and it's made me realize how much I need it for so many things. I have never felt so unaccomplished as I did the last two months. I find I'm a much more irritable person when I don't have that outlet.

So for today, I went out for my first run in ages. There was the inevitable "holy cats, I am NOT in shape" moment that we all get when we have a break for a bit. Then everything clicked. the stride comes back, the movement settles into a pattern. As a total cracker, I can say the only time I've ever had rhythm was out on a run, but god, it felt good. THe hard part was how much my feet hurt. My old cross country coach would talk some smack on my shoes, and how they are 3 years old. (my "new" pair from Feb are way to heavy (snow runners). New shoes are now the priority. Still. I always have so many perfect moments on a run. This was no different. The difficulty lies ahead. I need to give my lil feets some rest. Taking it slow, going out easy. That part is going to kill me. Losing yourself in a run is what makes it so attractive. Putting limits on that? *melodrama voice* Oh it kills.

Anyway, to give me some motivation, I joined a fat kid weight loss contest at work. winner takes home a fat kid! I just needed some more motivation, and this way, I can get back into drinking war by the gallon again...like alcoholism, it takes daily practice.

In two weeks I'll be heading back to AZ and flag for the first time since I left. I still consider it home, and I really miss how beautiful the whole state is. Plus my Xterra is there, and to be honest, I miss the lil' guy. It will be good to see it, and see everyone who can watch me get drunk off of one beer. I blame the altitude, not my lack of drinking here. Honest!

Chinese Democracy.

So when I moved here in august I brought my mountain bike to the bike shop down the street to get repaired and all that good stuff. Had several issues. Well...one thing led to another, and i sort of forgot it was down there. Sort of. Living in a new place has a funny way of draining money. I just went to pick it up yesterday. I didn't even know if it would be there. It still was. And the moment I got on that bike I realized that I had found my old love again. I don't know how I did without it. That bike fits me like no piece of clothing ever will. And damn, it felt good to be on. My road bike needs a new wheel, and I've had some shinsplints, so I've been rocking the spinning bikes at the gym for a while. What a difference.

I love that sucker.

Serious but short.

Post season baseball makes the fall perfect. I mean, the summer is fantastic, but man, I do love drinking a beer and watching some playoff ball.

Oh capital!

I voted today. Dawn and I went down to the register office and put down some funky fresh democracy on y'alls. I'll be honest, I like to vote, because I'm such a hudgge in so many other ways. I don't really volunteer (or at least can't do what I want to do until I have a few more months as a trained RN for the Int'l Red cross), I'm not interested in joining the armed services, and don't own enough bulletproof clothing to teach our youth. Voting is one patriotic duty I can do. I mean, I do give to charity here and there, but that isn't doing so much on my end. So, I read about the various candidates, looked over some literature regarding the propositions, and made an honest effort to vote my conscious. The only races I didn't really go over were school board candidates, but at least now I can now count on two write in votes for Mr. Potato head and Edward Scissorhands. One person had no competition! None! So I figured I'd write in some for them. Democracy in action! I'm hoping here that as things settle in, voting will only be one of the ways that I get involved in my community and government, but for now, its' a start.

On another note, Dawn and recently celebrated our anniversary. I came home from work that night to find a huge ass television in our house. Dawn is pretty bad-ass in that sort of way.

Oh yeah.

So in the last blog, I started writing about stores closing, and then I lost the point. The point is: I went to a really really cool bike shop yesterday, and I really really hope it stays around. They just moved to the hipster part of town, so we'll see how it goes.


Just wanted to add that.
Oh yeah one more thing: though the drink itself is one of my least favorites, bud lite's real men of genius is one of the best ad campaigns in the history of radio advertising.

The pinch

So it's been a few weeks since I really walked around hillcrest, but upon going to thai food last night I found that every single business that had opened in the last six months sans one was closed. Ordinarily I would have chalked it up to poor business decisions, locations, and a misunderstanding of the market. however with so many places gone so fast, I think it's safe to say that the economy has caught up to my main street. Which quite frankly comes as shock because hillcrest is supposed to be somewhat insulated from all of this, what with the woo-hoo fabulous people all around who are very savvy. However, the fact that I'm renting the condo I am renting for the price I'm paying is only because it failed to sell in the first place, so I'm sure it was "the correction" slowly encroaching before I showed up. Even still, when national news events start happening in front of you, it's a bit of a wake-up. I've been lucky for the past few weeks because with my new job, at which I am getting ever closer to being off new hire probation, the money has been better than ever for dawn and I. We're actually able to do things like go buy clothes and go out to eat...with cash!!!! shocking for me. So while for dawn and myself, financial are good, and getting better, for other people...well...I don't know. Makes me happy to have the career that I do (f'ing best job ever btw). Will it really affect me? I hope not. Hopefully I'm still young and dumb enough to think It won't matter. Or maybe I'm getting old. Either way, it's a wake up.

Autumn. Say what you will, it's the season of change. Elections, new school years, new fashion (if you are so inclined.). But mostly leaves. Ah yes. Leaves. They do not change here, in perfect weather "OMG-I-don't-even-know-is-it-winter-or-summer" San Diego. In other parts of the world, like Flag, and leafer mecca, vermont, the public is starting to get a wondrous little show that adds such ambience to life. Sets the mood. In memory of that, I'll share a favorite memory. October 2004, I was with the NAU cycling club somewhere in the peaks. We crested a hill and a glorious autumn rain started, barely perceptible to us, but it started a cascade of gold, orange, and merlot aspen leaves to fall. We were enveloped in leaves, and riding the trail was like riding a golden path in a world of orange. Somewhere along the line, I let the brake go and I just remember flying through the trees. Everyone has memories of special almost zen like moments. Most all of mine take place in the fall. Tour de fat, the first blister of cold, and biking around a deserted copenhagen at sunrise all sit there in my head, fall as the backdrop. Its a time of year that's good for the memories. So even if I can't have leafy memories this year at least it doesn't mean the end of cycling season. So maybe san diego has something going for it there....

Updates

I have things to write. I promise. Lately I've been super busy with school...I mean work. Work is like school right now, complete with homework. That's just the price I have to pay for my kick-ass awesome job. Life is still good, and when I get some time, if I can pull myself away from gta4 I'll tell ya all bout it.

A topic that I can't seem to start writing about.

Ah ok. So Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time Lance Armstrong was a famous cyclist in Le tour. Over a summer, I watched the tour to see him win. I repeated this several years over. After a while I stated to feel tired of the Lance Armstrong story, and I started to see where some of the detractors were coming from. And to be honest, If you don't follow cycling, then I don't want to start an argument. (For those of you who are new to this, to some people insulting Cancer Survivor and American Hero Lance Armstrong is like punching a baby with down's syndrome; unforgivable and shows lack of character.) Anyway, through all of those tours I was turned on to the magical wold of cycling. I was mystified by the exciting world as told to me by Phil Liggit and Paul Sherwin. I had dreams of dancing in the pedals. I went off to study abroad and only had a bike. I came back and got a real "big boy" bike of my own. And then I spent a bit more and bought a road bike. Lance quit. But I still watched. All the revolving characters, the drama. Even the damn doping made it tragic and fascinating. A few days ago, I heard Mr. Armstrong was coming back. He did Snowmass yesterday and his team won. I wrote a blog about it on my myspace. And for all the press he has received, for all the things I have read, I remain uncertain about how I feel about him. He is an "issue" in cycling, plain and simple. Ask around. Strong feelings for and against abound. Whether you love him or you hate him, there is one thing i will say for him. He introduced me to cycling. I read his book. I learned his story. I rooted. I did the yellow armband thing, one of the first in fact. Then as I saw more, I moved on. Lance was a hero to many for sure, but he only shined in July. Cycling runs spring through fall on a professional level, and mountain biking is always around. There are so many heroes, so much to celebrate. There is a lot to see and do. So if Lance does come back and rocks some sort of crazy badass, transparent coup, then well played. If not...well Michael Jordan, Mike Tyson, Corey Haim and Van Halen never regained their former glory upon return, and no one really blamed em'. Good luck dude.

Missing the old crunk goblet