My focus is all...brokus.

Big moves, big moves. What a difference a few short days makes. When I came back from Haiti, I hadnt been out on the water paddling in weeks. I wasn't really sure if I was going to do it at all this season. I'd been going back and forth on the idea of spending my summer paddling and surfing or taking lots of trips to mtn bike. The bike was winning.

I still hadnt paid my club dues for HanoHano an hour before practice on tuesday, but after a little talk with my friend Jen I decided to go for it and just do it. Well...that was a good choice.

Somehow this week, all of the effort I've been putting into exercise and diet since september finally came to a head, and I've been put on notice that if I put in some solid time paddling this week there might be a spot on the fast boat for me at the first race of the seaon, Crystal Pier.

Wait, what? (a little background.) Our team has a lot of boats. There are six men in a boat. For the races, they try and put the six strongest paddlers in one of the boats, and that's the fast boat. Now I'm nowhwere near one of the best paddlers on my team, not by a long shot. I lack the experience, the refined technique, and most importantly, I haven't paddled at a high level before. However, for some reason they think I may have a shot at a seat in the boat.

As it stands right now, I'm both excited and nervous. Paddling with a fast crew is so much fun, and during practice when your boat blends well, it's a totally different sport, in that it's more fun than it is work. I really worry about my ability to blend with the boat (all about timing and technique). I have one week before crystal pier. I'm going to go out paddling with Coach Chris in a two man boat this week to work on technique, and I['m going to have to do a lot of what I do worst when I get into the zone: focus on being present. I'm so good at tuning out everything when I get into a rythm, but I'm going to have to be all there for this.

So wish me luck this week, and if you can make it down to mission bay next saturday, come cheer on the whole team HanoHano. It's our home race, we put in on, and there are so many hard working paddlers out there who'd love to hear you cheering them on.

walking the walk

Got back from Haiti this week, still processing a lot of what I saw there and how it made me feel about myself and how I live here. I won't say I'm depressed, but I do feel very subdued about what I experienced. It was mentally challenging and emotionally rough. I had some really bright points though. Among these was something very strange, very foreign to me, but I think, through a series of unrelated circumstances that a lot of stuff coalesced around my spiritual life. I'm not going to get into it much, I'm still feeling around in the dark, but I haven't felt this..."whole" in a while. That being said, I'm on a long path here.

I'm very much looking forward to going back to Haiti in October. The need for everything there is so enormous, and the more people on the ground the better. Seriously, go to operation medishare's website and apply.

Besides that, I've been on the bike a little since I got home. I've been in the water a lot, with a few races coming up, I'm pretty pumped about the early paddling season. Can't wait to see how I do. I know it will be fun regardless. Get to see jeff and stephanie Huhn down here! sweet.

done done and done

That's it. I've OFFICIALLY had it with night shifts. I need to get myself on the day/night rotation schedule as soon as possible. Lately I feel terrible just about all the time. That's just no good.

tha rumpshayka.

When I got out of college, I had these dreams and ambitions about using my biology degree for the good of mankind. It's why I studied political science on top of it, to help understand some of the complexities that result in some people having more than others. With A small amount of hindsight, I can see that these naive dreams of an extremely selfish 22 years old were ill conceived. First off, economics decides everything. Second, I'm still largely a selfish bastard, but I've picked up a clue or two since then. My "journey" led me to nursing, where I've since learned a lot about compassion, what actual suffering looks like, and where I've been able to actually help a few people. In doing so, I've found that people always need more. There's always going to be more need for help than help itself. So I'm trying to do my part. I've been a nurse now for almost two years, I'm pretty stable now, so I was just looking for a chance to try and get out there. It turns out that I'm also lazy. I'd been wanting to sign up for the red-cross ever since I got the ink on my neck with the red Swiss cross and circle emblem. I did their intro class, and am hoping to start on some shelter cl assess soon. There's a lot of good that I can do here at home.

However, that's not what I'm excited about. Next week I get to fulfil one of my goals for a while now, and go on a medical mission. This one's going to Haiti. I'm going with a group out of Flagstaff and we'll be boots on the ground for a solid week. I'm pretty excited for it, I think it will be very challenging, and I'm hoping I can do any amount of good for the people down there. Haiti has interested me for a while now, I remember hearing about the place in college a lot during the J.B.Aristdae debacle, their "poorest nation on earth" status, and a lot about voodoo and what have you. The damage to their country seems just...unimaginable to me, and I just hope that for all of the stupid, insignificant things I do in my life, that this one will matter, and hopefully change something that lasts. It's going to be a test for me. Is this what I want to gravitate toward, disaster relief support, helping people at their lowest? Can I do it well? If I do, (and I'm hoping for it) then that huge step on my path will have been finally crossed. If not, at least I can say I took the step. Helping people can be frustrating, exhausting, and disenchanting. That much I know from nursing. But I've also seen the good it does, and I'm hoping that between the projects I'm working on, I'll have a chance to do more of that.

Flag day

Spent a few blissful days in Flag with Tara. Biked, climbed, Snowboarded and did a lot of things that I didn't do enough of while I lived there. Came back home to a lonely apartment, was kind of bummed. Living alone sucks. Luckilly, San Diego has an entirely different set of outdoor activities that keep me going. Did my bay run, but hit a PR on it without really trying today. Maybe I'll just chalk it up to a few days at altitude. Came to work and saw a lot of my friends, and suddenly home feels like home again.

I've got to say, there are some crazy nice people in Flag. Besides Tara, got to see Adam, David, the Will/Tim/Nate/Scott combo, John (happy birthday dude!) and a few others that I randomly ran into. People seem happy here, and most are relatively friendly, but the general vibe is pretty relaxed up on the mountain. I can't wait till my next visit out there...maybe I'll have a new bike by then so everyone will stop giving me crap about my current hooptie. (Don't worry bikey, I still love you, you've taken me this far, I'm not going to scrap you. You'll just get turned into a single speed love machine.)

Addendum: I also had some great meals on my little AZ jaunt. Diablo burger is leaps and bounds better than Rockys...which I hate to admit, but yeah, the elvis buger (w/ bacon, plantains and spicy peanut butter in addition to amazing local burger meat) blew my mind so much I almost scheduled an IR appointment for a coiling. The Tinderbox was also great. Nice to see well presented foodie fodder more often up there.

I should also add that I learned a lot on this trip. I learned a lot more about the sports I'm getting back into, a lot about Tara, and even clued into a lot about how to make sense of the things I've been feeling lately. Not neccessarily epipany grade stuff, but still good insights.

One of the things I've been thinking a lot about lately is the oppurtunity to possibly go to Haitai and do some relief work with some MDs and RNs from FMC. I signed up, got the time off of work, and now am just waiting...and waiting, and waiting for some kind of response. We'll see how this goes, wish me luck...

On Goals Reached.

The past few months have been going really well for me. I can say that right now, in general, I'm much happier than I've been since I moved to San Diego. I've reached all of my goals of being active: I started my second season of paddling, where this yeart I can put more time and energy into it instead of last, which was more like a toe dip in the pool. I've been working out daily for months now, and the results are obvious when I get out and try sports. I can now run 8 miles like it's nothing. I've never had that before! I can't quite speak for high school track, but I can say since I started college I've never been as fit as I am right now.

That's not the best part of it. Reaching your goals is great, but it's better if you can share it with someone. I've got someone else who's also making major changes. My Dad. In the past six months he's lost 60 pounds, and totally turned his health around. Now he's a big guy, and sixy pounds may seem "meh" next to people who lose 100 pounds. But wait till you see him. The guy has muscles, real muscles, where there used to be flab. Never in my life have I seen him look so healthy. He's on a long path though, but he's doing it. He's taken something that we had long given up on him ever doing anything about and completely turned it around. He turns 59 next week, and I don't think there's anything I can get him better than how he feels. Andy and I are hoping that by this fall, he'll have built up his endurance and flexibility enough to go camping and do a series of long hikes like he'd take us on when we were kids. I'm sure he could do it now, but we want it to be fun for him, and not to have it hurt. Really though, I've never been so proud of my Dad. If you run into him, tell him good job. He's kicking ass.